me irl
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*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.