me irl
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!