me irl
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.