Me irl
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
