Me irl
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.