Me irl
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
yall want some gasoline milk
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I love texting my boyfriend
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
a fate I wish upon no one
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”