Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.