Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
john wicks are toilet candles
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.