Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
#parenting
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.