Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

President The Rock Obama

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.