Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right