Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The asteroid..
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW