ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.