ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
he’ll never suspect a thing
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all