Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

uh oh

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”