Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

I beg your pardon?

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night