Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

My new favorite headline

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”