Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Stop

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.