Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

that lip filler tho

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Fun like a LinkedIn notification