me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.