Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Carpe DM

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.