Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Children of the corn 🌽

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

then why did i get this email

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Left at a local drug store…

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents