Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.