ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”


astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.

astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.


“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”


To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.


This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.


A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.


HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”


Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.