ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
How funny!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.