Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blew my mind.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.