Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

When I laugh on my period

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.