Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
You Might Also Like
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.