Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.