Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that