Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing