Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*