Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.