Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You Might Also Like
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.