ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
is it earth
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off