Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.