Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

genius

Autocarrot sucks!

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer