Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
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　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
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　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
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