ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.