ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You Might Also Like
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Salad is the decaf of food.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had