genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
The best plant holders?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?