ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
The Weeknd is back
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her