ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
philosophical skeletons be like
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic