Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Shortcut

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.