Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time