Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I just ran a .003048K
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.