Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.