Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive