Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
This probably isn’t good
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken