Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.