Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found this cool rock hiking today

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.