Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.