Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.