Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow