Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.