me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
