Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …