Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

The point of your 20s

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.