Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Guantanamo Bae

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.