Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Discuss
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Who’s your best friend?
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show