Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Said the murderer.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
wishing you and yours all the best
