Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Something Saturday.
