Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.