Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is