Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

What do you text your spouse?

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Never forget.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*