Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

#StillHurts

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45