Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

October 31

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.