me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
What the dentist sees
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas