Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

My birth announcement for our third baby

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart