me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo