me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

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[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.


Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.


The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.


“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?


My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.


I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.


If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.


Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.


An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.


Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.