Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.