Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
i wish i could marry a nap
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor