@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

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@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@thedad

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

@prufrockluvsong

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

@Arteymis

No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.

@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.