what if the Blair Witch was just lonely
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My mom made this meme don’t let her down
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..