Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The Onion called it…again.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
this will hang in the louvre one day
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.