Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

“OMGJK” -atheists

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.