Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Morning all.

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

A completely valid reaction tbh

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way