ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁