@RedRegenerated

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

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@Leave_the_candy

i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

@Lord_Smirnoff

*Lowers raised hand.

Where’s the nearest cycle path you meant?

Thought you said psychopath.

@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

@squirrel74wkgn

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

@KentWGraham

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.