i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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When life hands you women, make women laid.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*Lowers raised hand.
Where’s the nearest cycle path you meant?
Thought you said psychopath.
Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.