Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
work smarter, not harder
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.